Slowing down

Its the last day of September in 2019. By this time last year I could compile a list of all the many things I did and places I went to keep me busy. That’s why this year I chose to slow down.

I thought I’d take a few months at the beginning of 2019 to recover from the craziness of 2018 (remember, the 500 hour training in San Francisco, getting my house ready for sale, the loss of my father in law and of our precious cat Parker, selling the house, buying the house, moving….). Well he’res the thing, I gave myself a few months, but I needed more.

I set out to do all the things and my body wasn’t having it. It craved being horizontal. So I mastered the art of napping (or as i like to call it, savasana). I booked my days at the salon with bigger breaks in my day and I socialized by having people over to my new home. I decided to take a few more months settling into my cozy furniture with books….sooooo many books.

Along came summer, I thought I’d be recovered, I think I said yes to something for every weekend. I did the things, but I need to tell you, I wasn’t ready. Then the punishing thoughts that had already been weaving in all year started to get louder… how could you do so much and then just stop? when did you become so lazy? people expect more from you! (people?? or is it just me?) you SHOULD do more, teach more, write more, draw more, work more, update social media more, exercise more, more more more….

There are 92 days left in this year. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been uneventful, when I see people they acknowledge the busy they see, I’ve done some travelling, I keep teaching and working and having wonderful opportunities to teach at cool events or just to be at amazing places. (so why does my inner critic not feel like its enough?) I don’t have big plans for these next 92 days of a calendar year, unless you include my time spent in the world of fiction, but I’ll talk more about the reading I’ve done this year in another post.

There’s been so much internal conversation involving the word SHOULD this year, this morning started similar, its the last day of September you SHOULD really ________ . I stopped and reminded myself, I even heard the voice of my teacher Diana shout a little louder than my inner critic….STOP SHOULDING ALL OVER YOURSELF! okay, I hear it, I acknowledge it, I’m done. So what is to come of the next 92 days? freedom from the pressure of doing all the things. How? Its not magic, i’m giving myself permission, without worrying that I should have given myself that permission long ago.

So I ask you? are you holding yourself back from slowing down? are you pressuring yourself to do too much? Are you tired? You don’t need my permission, only your own, but maybe you need the reminded. You are okay as you are, you are enough. You are doing enough. busy is not a badge of honour. “Hustle” is not a state of being you can constantly live in.